1. What’s the definition of an accountant?
Someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.
2. To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the accountant, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
3. Three people were going for a job, a mathmetician, a statistician, and an accountant. It all came down to the final question - which was “What do you get if you add 2 to 2?”
The Mathmetician said “Four. Always four and never anything else.”
The Statistician said “Normally it would be four, but 5% of the time you will get a different result.”
The Accountant got up, closed the curtains, and shut the door. Returning to the desk he leaned over and said quietly “What would you like me to make it?”
4. How many auditors does it take to make a sandwich?
Depends how thickly you slice them!!
5. An accountant goes into his doctors office and says ‘I’m having trouble sleeping.’ The doctor says ‘have you tried counting sheep?’ the accountant says ‘yes, thats the problem. I make a mistake then spend three hours trying to find it!
6. What does an accountant say when you ask him the time?
It’s 9.18 am and 12 seconds; no wait - 13 seconds, no wait - 14 seconds, no wait……
What is the difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion?
8. What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don’t?
9. Chargeable Hours
A young accountant dies. He immediately goes up to heaven (wishful thinking we know) and meets Peter. Because Peter is an organised sort of Saint, he goes through the required details.
Peter : How old are you?
The accountant : 33
Peter : That’s impossible!
The accountant : Why?
Peter : I have looked at your time sheets and examined the hours that your have charged your clients - by my reckoning you are at least 97!